My grandma can hear about as well as a redwood pine tree, so I’m not surprised that she misheard me when I said that I wanted Red Dead for Christmas, but why did she think I wanted Bed Head styling wax? She got my cousin Super Smash Bros., but she got me a bottle of Bed Head styling gel. This just doesn’t seem fair.

Have you heard of Red Dead Redemption II? It’s only the biggest game of the year. It’s full of amazing cowboy shootouts and train heists and horse races across stunning vistas. It’s got over 100 hours of amazing content, and it’s probably the perfect gift for a gamer this year. But I did not get Red Dead Redemption II for Christmas. I got a head full of crusty hair.

Honestly, she makes these kinds of mistakes a lot, so I’m almost surprised she didn’t give me a Lead Shed or a Bread Spread. I don’t even know what bread spread is exactly, but I think I would have liked it more than this bottle of Bed Head styling wax. She didn’t even give me a gift receipt! I don’t think I can return this.

Of course, I know she didn’t hear me correctly when I asked for Red Dead. She had said, “Ned’s Dead?!” Then I told her, “No grandma, it’s a video game. It’s called RED DEAD!” When she nodded like she understood, but clearly she didn’t, and now I wish that I had let her believe that Ned actually was dead. I mean, Ned got me a dumb lamp.

I opened my bottle of Bed Head. According to the packaging it has “relentless hold,” and it will help me achieve an “edgy, workable style.” That’s fantastic! Now my hair can be as hard as grandma’s head! Are you listening, Grandma? Your gift sucks!

But you know what’s actually kind of funny? I was just at the store on Sunday and I bought styling gel, so now I have two containers full of hair product and zero copies of Red Dead Redemption II.

Ultimately, I feel like a sucker, because I got her a new iPad. Why did I even bother with that? Do you know how much a new iPad Pro is? Don’t Google it. It’s $800. That means I could have bought a dozen copies of Red Dead Redemption II for myself and still had enough money left over to buy grandma a nice mug. The mug would have read, “World’s Greatest, Deaf Grandma.”

Things are actually a little awkward between us now. I mean, I bought her a freaking iPad and she got me a bottle of sticky hair gel, so I guess I’m not surprised that she can’t look me in the eyes when I passed her the rolls at dinner.

And the strangest part is, my grandma died three years ago. I don’t even know this woman that Dad keeps calling mom.

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