Never trust a business raccoon in a tight sweater.
Animal Crossing is a classic video game franchise loved by many gamers everywhere because it’s a charming and relaxing good time. It is also not loved by other many gamers everywhere because it’s slow and you can’t use guns. To be fair, guns would probably make Animal Crossing easier because you could rob people for money instead of shaking trees, but one character in Animal Crossing who doesn’t need a gun to rob people is nefarious bandit and real estate mogul Tom Nook.
Tom Nook is technically adorable because he has a wiggly nose and dresses like he’s read all of the Wheel of Time books, but this garbage eating river bear is actually a total monster and here’s why.
Tom Nook Forces Orphan Homeless Children to Live in Cement Prisons
Upon arriving in your new Animal Crossing town – alone and without any family – Tom Nook immediately takes advantage of you by offering you a starter home. It’s either a filthy wood shack or a flimsy tent in the middle of winter and it has no furniture in it. He then charges you hundreds of thousands of dollars to make it livable.
He Charges A $250 Appearance Fee Just to Sit in a Chair
In Animal Crossing Pocket Camp, Tom Nook doesn’t even run a business because he’s too busy charging money for appearance fees like a retired 90’s b-movie actor at Comic Con. For 250 leaf tickets, Tom Nook will sit in a director’s chair on your front lawn and basically just fall asleep because he doesn’t care about you or your money.
He Supports Child Labor and Literally Only Hires Children
Timmy and Tommy Nook are identical twin raccoon children who work in Tom Nook’s stores, often through early mornings and late nights. Are they his sons? Nephews? Small cousins? I don’t know. All I know is that they’re literally children and that is incredibly illegal.
He’s Basically A GameStop That You Also Owe Mortgage To
Tom Nook buys and sells new and used items, meaning you can walk into his shop, buy a new rug for three grand and then immediately sell it back to him for like, $1200 bucks, like a GameStop. Now imagine if you also mortgaged your home from Gamestop, so on top of them ripping you off on trade-ins, they also said stuff like “You owe us $700,000 for home loans and roof maintenance.” That’s Tom Nook, a human GameStop who also sells houses.
He Definitely Uses Internet Explorer As His Default Web Browser
Here is a photo of Tom Nook in his weird home office, possibly purveying naughty websites and sending lewd emails to other animals. Look at that desk. Look at that computer. Look at this dude. He definitely uses Internet Explorer. Probably has all kinds of viruses and weird spam pop-ups and constantly asks his kids to fix his computer because “it’s too slow” and “the email doesn’t work.” Just disgusting. Internet Explorer is a terrible web browser that should only be used to download a better web browser.
Anyway, aside from those things about Tom Nook, I really love Animal Crossing. Why do you think Tom Nook is a monster? Let us know in the comments.
Brian Altano is a host and producer at IGN who is mostly just joking here because Tom Nook is honestly pretty damn lovable. Follow Brian on Twitter right here.
